A little help for a friend

Recently, a friend or 2 have asked me for advice for their births as they move into hospital based births. It is an honor for me to be present for them, even in written word. So tonight, since I have had such a lag from this blog, I post this bit of what I believe to be some tips for mommas and partners around. This was sent to my friend Lisa.

You are about to embark on the journey of your lifetime. You think you've skied big lines and gone beyond your limits but you are about to experience the biggest and steepest line you've ever imagined, this is what I hear from the mum's who have experience like you do, like I do. We are women who have known nothing but adrenaline strength. The strength you need for labor is not adrenaline so much, although it floods your baby after you have pushed the little nugget out because, "WHOA what did I just do?" will flood every cell in your body. But birth is about allowing prostaglandins and oxytocin (the love hormone) do the work in your body and come over you. A lot of these hormones aren't released in controlled settings, but if you stay home in early labor and into active labor a lot of this will come out. Ask your doctor to provide you with a quiet birthing environment in the hospital if you go in early and these hormones will do their work.

focus on LETTING GO OF CONTROL. Control gets us nowhere but stuck. Birth is not a time to be controlled. Don't let nurses and doctors tell you to quiet down or do anything other than you are CALLED to do. Follow your releases because that is the way babies come out, if a mom is allowed to birth and be exactly as she is. If you push your baby out and someone is telling you to change what feels good, you tell them to piss off and let you do what is right for you. Allow yourself to let go of control, as it is a fundamental process of becoming a parent. The rest of your life, as parents, is about letting go of what was and how it was managed and that we can't control anything our kids do. IF there was one brilliant thing my dad did for me, he let me go and let me fumble through it coming to my conclusions and beginnings and many times our conclusions were in line and synchronised. However, I got there myself. I was birthed in the most out of control way. My mom barely knew she was in labor until I almost came out in a garbage can. Let go, even if you think you're chill, LET GO MORE.

FOLLOW YOUR BODY and all the messages that come through your body.

Chase after your fear and bring love to it. Chase it like you ski and bring love to it...Flood it with love and let yourself know it will be okay. Fear will arise.

View yourself going down things that challenge you and how do you flow into those intense (adrenaline) moments. Look at this now. Look at this with Chris. Begin this visualization now and see how your body reacts. Does it tense? Does it relax? IF so, when fear comes up, do you clinch. If you clinch, find mechanisms that help you relax those muscles you need to relax. Keep practicing this until you birth your baby. Until you birth yourself into a mother. It's intense. This whole process.

Birth is not comfortable. It is painful, but the pain is what you need to know to birth yourself into a parent. It is pain that you can approach, you can touch and you can play with you can sing through. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. (some of these capitals are simply statements you can teach Chris to remind you of too while he's with you in labor).

One part of your body that needs to release where I see strong mummie's getting held up is in the bum. To birth your baby you need to imagine it coming out your butt rather your vagina because the first place that head hits is your bum, your rectum. So if you should feel like you can't open your pelvis, teach chris to touch you on your bum. Do you know where your sit bones are? If not, find them by asking your doctor. They are pretty much your ischial tuberosities. IF you apply pressure, like a deep massage, to this part of the body as a mum is pushing or even before pushing when she needs direction then the pelvis opens naturally and babies are able to move down through the canal and onto the perineum with more ease. IT DROPS THE HIPS WIDE OPEN. It works beautifully.

Water helps A LOT for pain management. Spend time in the shower or in a tub, if you want to avoid the drugs of an epidural (which there is reason to avoid it). It really helps lift the pressure off you and I hear it over and over again how much it helps. WARM WARM water.

When you're in early labor and having lots of braxton hicks and false contractions before bed and they have you in question, get in a hot bath with a glass of red wine and most likely those contractions/surges will fade away and you will get to sleep peacefully.

Eat and drink LOTS in labor.

Move to your body's desire in labor.

Humming. When a mummie is tired but she is also having contractions, I sit with her and as each contraction arises I rub her gently and hum with her. Chris could do this. It'd be like your mum humming you to sleep. Then when the contraction is over, she rests and breathes. Again, when it starts up you hum, the partner hums and gently rubs your arm or back or whatever is comforting so you can rest. So you can drop in and rest. If you have a doula, the doula could do this and Chris could sleep. It is a gem.

If things stall out, change the scenery. Go to the movies, go on a walk. Paint your toenails. Paint something. Get your mind off early early labor and the tricks it plays on you.

If you feel stuck, you need someone there who can supportively talk you out of a stuck place. If Chris is the man for you to do this, find a conversation around this and how it might happen. What it means for me, I sit by the side of a mom who is questioning her place in birth and labor and is looking for support but will take an out if you present it. So, I go into her space. I ask her where she is at and why she is there. I ask her what she needs and what could help her out of this place. I ask her what her fears are and we go into them. I coach her to a place of confidence and strength that is deep and knowing and she gets herself out of that hole, off the hook so to speak and starts making the climb back up to the place where she'll birth her baby. I have done it for many and these women are on my website for that matter and the women who are still my good friends. Think of how you will get unstuck AND prepare for this place.

I believe it's really important to have the environment that is right for the mother and each mother is very different. YOu create the space that is nurturing to you in early labor, then in active labor you do the work in that space. Think of what will nurture you in regards to your birthing space. Bring it with you to the hospital.

I feel honored that you're asking me these questions and you will birth just as you need to birth, both yourself and your baby and Chris will birth too. Imagine that! Sweet. This process of birth is a place of real raw truth and one we all get through, if it's part of our journey. Whatever way this baby is brought into the world, it will still experience a birth with you. I believe in you, all your strength and that you hold a deep wisdom of trust in your body (and I do because I see what you ski and the places you go) and you may not know of this trust but it is there. CARRY THIS OVER TO YOUR BIRTH.

I'm such a cheesy woman @ heart when it comes to love, because it is what is brought to birth and life and death. You are just entering a remarkable time and we have done such a great job de-humanizing the experience and just making birth just another event. It's so much larger than life. It is a true rite of passage and if you've never been involved with one, hold on mummie because you are so close. I cannot give you a list of things to focus on, sorry. That is part of you finding out that process for you. I am here in this last month for you in whatever way this midwife and friend can guide you!