The Labor of Love

The last week had me away from writing, while reflecting and discussing love. After a long conversation about love in the postpartum and how most relationships experience "the labor of love," it became apparent it was time to try to write an article on love in the postpartum period. Let's be honest, love relationships and all our relationships change and evolve when individuals become parents. Not only do you have to ebb with the relationship of you and your spouse, you learn to flow with new tasks when nobody really wrote the book on parenting. During our conversation, I reflected on a book I had to read called, "How to Be an Adult in Relationships" by David Richo. It is based from Buddhist principles that he calls, "The Five A's." When applied, the 5 A’s can help us move away from blame, fear, judgement and move us to positions of compassion, realism, and openness about life and relationships. My goal today is to take these 5 principles and make some sense of them and how they reflect on the postpartum. Wish me luck!

Attention: Think back to your first few months postpartum. Think back as if you're watching a movie and see everything, see every visitor and all you can recapture. Observe, listen and notice all the feelings at play. Now watch the reel of your relationship with your spouse, what does it look like? Has it changed? Do you give attention to your relationship? How has your attention changed? How is this change affecting your relationship with your spouse? If you give attention to the matters at heart, can you shift back to the understanding love you once had when it was just you two? First write these things down and bring them to one another to inspire conversation and make the changes.

Acceptance: When you commit to a partner and commit to raising a family, you commit to the “we” in intimacy not the “I”. That does not mean you have to give yourself as an individual up, however it means that you and your spouse will have to spend time making your relationship functional and accept your individuality. If you first accept yourself as you are, and then your spouse as they are then in relationships we often feel the flow of energy moving freely. Harder said than done, acceptance takes practice.

Appreciation: I was talking to my friend one day. She was telling me of the stress her relationship experienced since the birth of their first son. I asked her if she remembered how he appreciated her throughout her pregnancy. I reminded her that he was kind and compassionate and a thriving individual who outwardly expressed his gratitude for her all the time. It took this reminder for her to reflect on all the ways they both express their appreciation for one another, since the birth. Later I received an email on how their relationship was coming back around and she was able to have more appreciation for her family, for her love, and for herself. Sometimes we just need a reminder.

Affection: What is affection to you? What is affection to your partner? How do you receive affection? How do you give affection? Ask these questions. Practice affection for yourselves as individuals. Find time to give each other 5 minutes of connection time a day. If you and your partner are lacking in the affection department, try to begin to walk a path together like you did before you had children. Find ways to bring back the love in your life, whether it's by "dating" again or exploring new ideas of affection. Remember, affection can be as sweet as a hug.

Allowing: You are who you are and you've been that way since your birth. Just because you found a partner to share your life with and vice versa, and now you share a child, you are still who you are. Allow yourself to be exactly you, and allow your partner to be themselves without taking control. If you don't know who that person is, because your whole life has changed since you had a baby, then dig and explore to find your love essence. If you need help finding the tools to "dig" and do this by exploring counseling, whether individually or as a couple.

We can "midwife" ourselves and our relationships as we grow to new numbers in family, and in age. As a couple, explore the opportunity of practicing the 5 A's and experience how each action can aid and bandaid the labor of love. Enjoy your love.