365 days young

Gosh, thoughts rush in and I realize again that my blogging skills are nothing like my dear Sara Janssen nor could I even try. However, as the last 365 days have flown by my I sit here just before my eyes rest and recognize that my 2010 is going to bring balance, invigoration and reminding myself why I live in the mountains, why I am a mountain girl, and all the acts that have brought me here. Midwifery and birth is crucial to the harmonious strum in my heart, but it's just one valve of the heart. There are four; and, then there's the pericardium and the job it has to make the whole heart operate. To me, the universe is the pericardium, and my ultimate goal is to connect everyday with that pulse and voice of the universe.

How do we flow through our days just being without any desire to connect to universe, to god, to a presence that is so much greater than ourselves? I don't know anymore, because I am one who seeks out that daily knowledge. I seek it out through my practice, through my experiences on snow, my experiences on trails, and being far from the waves of the ocean I find my own ocean through meditation. What I do know about the flow I have been experiencing, is that some days the universe fills our cup half full and somedays it leaves us half empty. An experience over the last week or so has left me right in the middle, right where half empty joins half full and there is serene peace enveloping every crevice of my body. Tonight on a run, the stars came out just perfectly as I can reflect on the last 365 days and know each was meant to teach me.

I stood in front of a large group of sustainably minded people last night and for the first time in almost 2 years gave a 2 minute schpeel on why my practice is called Green Midwife Community Birth Services and what my work as a midwife means to this community, to our local and national health, and why I have chose to collaborate with Dr. Holcomb Johnston, ND in practice. A brief moment to realize I have 40 pages of work and 2 years of research devoted to one topic, other than learning how to safely welcome a babies passage onto the earth's floor and make sure her momma is right in tow with her. Both landing to their new passage in love, safety and welcoming new breath. I realize I don't use this page to tell the birth stories of my clients, I don't have the time. I do realize that once in a while I tap in and release what needs to come.

Births have not occurred in my hands since the end days of September and I realize that most of my months has been spent managing my business. Managing my practice. Today, I read a little horoscope that encouraged me to realize that where Green Midwife is standing is safe. There are enough births that I can maneuver without stress and get everything operating as it should on a monthly level. There is a constant trickle of clients and some months of 2010 are even "booked" full and I am turning clients away. But, one major part of sustainable midwifery is that the midwife gets time off-call and time when one is oncall to get out and play, to release, to be who you are and embody that gift. She gets time to connect with that which brings love to her, brings her power, allows those adrenals to block up any leaks and find other ways to enrich her life. Hands down, Midwifery is the most rewarding work I have ever done and the one that has preoccupied me the most. But maybe that is what happens when you do what you love most for your job, it takes part of you for the beginning until you learn to stand, learn to balance and learn to walk. Maybe.

So things that have come up for Green Midwife Community Birth Services since my last scribble:

*A lot of conversation about Cannabis use during pregnancy: offer your research and thoughts here.

*Being privy to some friend's birth in progressive Switzerland, being inspired to seek out a Fulbright scholarship to work in a country where midwifery used by 70 to 72% of the population and embodies collaborative care. Must experience once in my life.

*Maneuvering difficult decisions as a maternity care professional, while still following that intuitive gut.

*Sleep will soon be those cherished moments of catching up.

*Faith, educate, and re-invent.

*New protocols.

And then there is so much else to be excited about. When I close my eyes however on this January 12th, I most remember snow blanketing the earth as my father passed on one year ago and I know he's helping me along these days. Helping in so many unspeakable ways. Holding death and birth in my hands, all in one year remind me of the power of life. I wonder often what it's like to be a mountain and what the spirits of mountains really speak to us. I want to believe it's like midwifery, they tell us when to get off and sometimes they just kick us off...often, they just hold us perfectly and allow us to move in exactly how we need to move. When we've completed what we've sent out to do that day, we soar.

Peace to all and whatever journeys you send yourself on today. That's it.

As Time Passes

Each year, life slows down a bit, roots set in and yet somehow I turn more and more into the energetic mother and father that raised me. Never did I think I would rise and do as much as they did by 8 am, yet now @ the young age of 33 I do exactly as they did. More and more, I think the cajun blood that runs thick in my veins keeps me on track towards a vibrant, rich, youthful, and aging life. Good thing we believe in strong coffee, and just so that you might get a grit or two in your cup. My friends can attest to the powers that be in the cups I brew.

Three months ago I sat in a hospital room and witnessed a beautiful birth experience; and then I went off-call for the rest of summer. Shortly after this birth, I met Dr. Holcomb Johnston and we talked about bringing two small businesses into one and creating a resource in town for preventative and holistic healthcare. The establishment of this professional relationship was exciting. As two people should "court" one another, whether professionally or personally, we did just that and both of our independent businesses grow more with each week. We're at this edge, where summer has passed and we're looking at ways we can collaborate our current studies to enhance the lives and health of Bozeman community members. It doesn't surprise me that we found one another, our degrees of separation are too close. Green Midwife moved down to Main Street in July, which prompted a lot of growth and change in my practice.

As I moved, the phone started ringing. Not off the hook, but it was this acknowledgement to me that midwives have to come out of the basements of office buildings and have to hang a shingle out on a limb and continue to normalize midwifery, whether it's in the hospital or at home. I went from zero to 80 in a week. Holcomb would make comments about how she wanted to be busy, I would tell her to be careful what she wished for because her time would come. Three months later, her schedule fills easily. I picked up a client for September, knowing that August was still a month planned off. A month saved for a dear-hearted wedding and my father's memorial service. They agreed, as we hit it off, and continued care with their provider through September.

August was month to crack me open. I took it on. I drove to the west coast and back to Montana, turned around three days later and drove to Iowa to celebrate with my daddy's closest friends and family, celebrate my momma's birthday and my parent's 40th anniversary. When it comes to parties, the women in our family can cook but organization is not our finest skill. Other's did that for us the weekend of his memorial. One memory: My uncle timid to spread my dad's ashes, his son encouraging him, me telling him I taste my dad's ashes when I spread them (more calcium in my diet doesn't hurt), and my sister holding my daddy's ashes. We all marched to the dock like ducks. Shaky dock (like being on a boogie board), high winds, sunshine, ashes, ducks in a row: Me, Tom, Ty (cousin), Sky, Jennifer, and Elizabeth. Tom spoke to "Rudy Kazootie" (it is what he called my dad) and then we all held our hands into the wind and released. It was one of those cathartic moments one rarely experiences in life. We all ate ashes that day as we threw them, of course the wind turned on us and put them back in our faces. My dad loved to play funny tricks and he loved magic. Embrace. Remembrance.

The rest of the month put me in motion to return to Bozeman. I realized in mid-September that I had finally "come home" and began making my connections with the town. Entering the professional world here in Bozeman, I have had to get through the comments such as, "I don't know if she really has that much experience," "Do you really think she knows what she is doing? It is birth after all." People generally questioning a new practitioner, this is normal. I would hear these comments and they would fire me up. Yet, I know my experience and all the training I went through and getting it into my community needs time. Just like a garden, like a relationship, like a descent: they all need time and room to breathe in order to grow.

With that, September was busy. Lots of commuting back and forth. A new study from Canada came out in August, stating that birth with a registered midwife at home was as safe as a birth with a physician or midwife in the hopsital. The craze of H1N1 vaccine and a rash of released information in the media. This sent all my new mothers spinning with questions and I felt like every week my answer changed. It now comes down to making an informed decision, when we all know at some point in our health care we just want to be told WHAT TO DO. That is not my job, unless it's in birth and it's an urgent action that need to occur. My role as a midwife is to inform and educate, encouraging my clients along the way to make decisions in their healthcare that are right for the individual. Another great thing that happened in September, Missoula, Montana found out that they would have a birth center again. Finally, I expanded my roles and connections with local midwives, as we all go in individual directions. Even with Mercury Retrograde for most of September, which tends to hold us back and consider restructuring what we've already created, my work was done and forward movement began.

As Mercury went direct on 29 September, my client began her journey into laborland. I received calls all day long. My clients live 1.5 hours away, so I was in my own laborland that day. Preparing and doing and waiting and doing. The sound of my pager no longer sends me into heart attack mode. It's a noise that takes me a second to realize where it's coming from and by no means is the sound of a pager meant to be pleasant. 4:45pm @ a trailhead, I got the call to be preparing to head northwest. 6:15 pm, they called and I was on my way. When I arrived at the house, the momma had a beautiful labor pattern and was supported by warm and loving and excited family. She labored quickly. At 00:59 on 09.29.09, little Bannack was birthed into this world on the floor of his family's bathroom. It was refreshing to have a land birth, not a water birth. Going from "Sea to Summit" this night would take a little more encouragement and the toilet was the way. She labored in water, birthed on earth.

For many providers, the place of birth occurs within our comfort zone. I realized with this birth, my comfort zone for birth is inside of me and that this work is right for me. Where the actual birth occurs does not matter to me. I have had lots of great work in life, and no other work feels so right to me. In this work I know when to say "I don't know" and I find a way to learn or know. This work is work that feeds me, yet it's work that I can leave. Sure, it's work that is woven into my cellular structure, and there is so much to be passionate about in life. So much to live for and thrive from and release in and play with and love. And from that birth, I was reconnected with just that aspect of love. For me, living from a place of love makes me walk on this earth with more joy, purpose and flow.

I dreamt of a birth last night, that doesn't happen a lot in my sleep time. It was a friend of mine, we were at home, this baby crowned and came out easily and sweetly into the arms of their parents, and I even remember my purple gloves. Surprises granted and love emanating. Maybe it's because Sara sent me her birth story from her blog, Walk Slowly Live Wildly, and I watched it twice or three times. I don't know, but the dream sits with me this morning as I dive into writing this after a long blog break and also dive into Quickbooks. Maybe a reminder of how lucky I am for this life. Now, back to running a business, making lists, paying bills, entering labs, and doing insurance billing. This dream skirts me out of a weekend of skiing with a girlfriend that made me feel like I was flying, a tour adventure on Saturday with a good man, and then a slow Sunday that ended with a baby shower and teaching Yoga Nidra. Home. Sleep. Dream. Wake. Work. Play. Love.

Those are the months behind me. I can say that I am slow to blog, and hopefully the next few entries will be from others as the intention for this blog was to get contributors and connecting vital and "green" communities. Collaborating our energies to create strong communities. Winter's upon us and I am thrilled.