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...it’s been an exploration over the past three years of my life. I am reminded by creative efforts and music the feeling of home. I have been working on “coming home” ever since my world got rocked a few years back. A time, where as mentioned, I had to look deep to see the light. I am reminded by this piece from last night that we can be a light for one another, and if we leave that light on inside of us we eventually come home. Come to meet one another.
Home: for so long, I looked outwardly for home. I looked to mountains, fields, lakes, rivers, snow, birds, and natural surroundings to give me a sense of home. I looked to towns in states that had meaning and purpose, believing they would be home. To each meeting, I found some sense of place and sense of purpose. And still there was this piece that lay open for me, this space that was to be filled with something else. Something greater than I knew and probably greater than myself.
Searching: some people seem to be born with home inside of them, knowing and ease that is just what it is. Other people search out to find home. For years, I fought that I was searching. In time, I leaned into the truth that I searched for home. Certainly, I did; and any of my close friends would call me out on it. I may be grounded and clear, but I still searched. I have found home in many places: on the coast of Baja where I said farewell to my Cajun Mawmaw and continued to teach surfing; the day in 1997 when I drove down the Boulder River Valley outside of Big Timber and knew I’d end up in Montana for one reason or another; in the corn fields that surround my birth place; on the porch of our cabin in Iowa; in the height of the San Juan Mountains; in the waves of the Gulf; amidst the varied landscapes of Oregon; on the road to Maternal Child Health and Midwifery; in falling snow and hot, humid summers; on ultra-runs in the middle of nowhere; in falling in love and falling out of love and getting to fall in love again; and in witnessing the entrance and exit of life. In all of these places and many more, I found home. I could continue to write a list on “home” and it reminds me how all the searching and exploring is setting me up for what is up and coming in my life.
A couple weeks back, I was on a run and reminded of how I was selected to present my research at the end of a long day because it would inspire. How quickly I tossed out that piece, “You’re last because we want to be inspired.” That’s some pressure, like a baby sitting on your perineum. Okay. I guess. When I was given my 30 minutes of interrupted presentation time, I took it. I feel now how this 30 minutes is playing out into the work I am and will do in Maternal Health and Midwifery. How I thought simply being a midwife would be enough, and it is plenty let me tell you. However, these 30 minutes began the construction of paving my way home. So home it is I go. This time, and this place in my adult life, I feel home settling inside of me. Something different than I have felt on my search in the past.
“Why not be okay with what you have?” one might ask. I am okay with what I have. There is this feeling that everything I am doing is still working or leading up to something; and recently clarity has set in. For a long time, I couldn’t put my finger on it even though I was being encouraged by my teachers and mentors. I have had ideas, man like no other. And sometimes I have been stuck like a tractor in spring mud. I knew I would have to get myself unstuck this time.
Home makes me feel whole. To watch fluidity exist in my life, right now, because of my commitment and a feeling of coming home is freedom to me. It is an open door to my heart, an open door on my path.
Every home has an entrance or walkway leading up to an open door. The physical and geographical location is one aspect. I come and go from so many locations, I have friends scattered everywhere. Most doors are open when I go, some have closed. All for the right reasons. In my body, I see quadrants of my soul. Recently, I have a strong and new feeling of home in the quadrant that houses my role in Midwifery, in Maternal Child Health, in exploring rural Maternity Care, in medicine, in healing, and in culture; and another quadrant of my soul that houses the joy from ultra-running and skiing through mountains, surfing waves (although ultimately I am still a huge beginner) and playing in my body; in the next quadrant I feel peace in sitting on a front-porch swing in the south or at the lake, just watching life around, watching James grow up, and the sense of home family brings me; and, in that final quadrant is my heart. It is the holding place of all that is abundant in my life and all that is thriving. It is the place of decision and it is the place I am caring for like a newborn child. I have a new commitment to home and the feeling of home in my heart. My heart had a few years of getting repeatedly broken and somehow I was able to apply the salve of my ancestors and all the searching I had done, and man has that salve been the best applied healing this woman could take on. I don’t know why I write ya’ll my personal explorations in life. I just hope it inspires you to carry forth with that feeling in your heart.
As I settle deeper in to my “home,” I know today I will wander off to my childhood summers, the drive to the beach from Pt. Arthur to Galveston, the Live Oaks, crabbing with my dad and Jen, the tattered roads of SE Texas, and my family. But in this office on a beautiful day, I now have to write my Letter of Intent for part of my heart work that requires additional education. Yep, more education. This girl will be a “doctor” one way or another. My ancestors are bringing me home and I never expected this home. Yet the light is on and I keep on walking into it.
