Tending Threads

There's this little thread that hangs from a piece of clothing that needs to be stitched on my sewing table. it has been waiting for me since July, about the same time I finished my last birth. I remember the day in my garden when I looked down and my trusty work/climbing shorts that have been through years of exercise decided they needed a bit of a break and ripped right at the zipper. Either that, or my butt had increased in size just one inch too much. As the last month has held a lot of rearrangement in house and in heart, I have found freedom in space, creative expansion and stability. I have been looking around at the things that needed stitching and tended to them, as well as I have been thinking of tending to this little URL that has been a creative outlet all year long.

Autumn to winter took me on the trip of becoming very clear with my goals in midwifery and what my focus for 2011 would be. One day in October, I had heard how there was this doctor going to Morocco teaching midwives and when I checked out the website I realized a dear friend was the Director of Education of this burgeoning foundation. I connected with Genevieve Chabot, Ed.D, and she told me all about Global Midwife Education Foundation. While Genevieve and I dove into conversation about the organization, I knew that this was work I wanted to be part of. When we first spoke, the Executive Director Genevieve Reid, MD, was just about to leave for her first midwifery training in Morocco. Therefore, our initial meet and greet would have to be postponed to late October or early November. After the conversation with Chabot, I gathered and collected like I like to do in my research ways, externally and internally. The big question, "How do I present myself to these women? How can I make this work become a part of my every day life?" Over the next month or so, Chabot and I emailed and spoke often. Our friendship goes back a handful of years, so we could catch up on GMEF and on life. Together, we find many ways to laugh, play, and enjoy company. I sent Genevieve Reid my resume and then just let the rest unfold. In early November, we met up for what I felt like was an interview for my future. I met with Genevieve Reid and Chabot, and Cloe Erickson (the conduit connecting GMEF in Morocco). Together, we sat around the table for a brief hour and it was enough time to feel the fire ignite. My goals with midwifery, which had been coming into place since June, became clear.

Shortly after I began to see these goals, I read a quote in a backcountry ski rag that sits on the back of my loo. The quote, spoken from a ski racer turned humble poppa/ski mountaineer read, "A goal without a plan is just a wish." I deeply believe in the wish, but his words sunk in over a cup of coffee. "Just like midwifery school," I thought to myself. It was a long-time goal, and the plan and structure of my formal education was the gift that gave me the inspiration and drive to sacrifice a lot in life, to train in three different states with over 8 midwives, write a increasingly convincing thesis, and enjoy myself in the process. Also like running an endurance race, to do well it takes a plan.

2010 and the few special births in 2009 were rites of passage for me. It was these years that gave me the confidence to apply for a job in a very busy birth center in Austin, TX and (even with a solid interview) not get the job because it appeared "I had other fish to fry." Maybe it was the fact that I like fried fish...However, it was all in perfect alignment. 2010 brought me home. It welcomed a few handfuls of births that taught me the training, the research, the effort and all the energy I planned and directed from 2005 to 2008 were worth it beyond expression. I remember the birth where I left home in April around midnight and crossed 7th and Durston to see a close group of friends of mine walking to the local bar and I thought, "How lucky, I get to watch a baby come into the world. How lucky they'll be dancing." Both bring joy in different ways. I remember the birth in May where we watched snow fall as a sweet boy entered the world, and yet by the time I left the house the sun was up and the snow was beginning to melt. I remember a lot more than that with my picture taking mind, but it is every moment that was spent with midwifery that got me to work out the holding patterns and the kinks that were surfacing during the fall. I welcomed my return to confidence. I welcomed the return to light, even though the light of day was waning. I embraced that good plans, woven with the intentional threads of a goal, take commitment. I made the commitment to return to a path connected to the Beloved, the Infinite, the creative and loving Universe, Mother Nature, God or Great Spirit. We all have different names to connect and feel the pulse and flow of love that is never-ending from this Source and it is the commitment I was made to carry out as I was born at 6:24am in Northfield, MN (almost in a garbage can in a Fiat, but made it to a hospital) on January 5th, 1976. The commitment to be love and to find my way back when taken off course. To reach fruition, meeting goals takes planning and commitment is inherent. Argue with me if you want, but this is what works for me.

2011 brings inspiration, new beginnings and continued commitment. It brings to me the maturation of a long love affair with the art of medicine, healing, and the passion it provides. In November, I was elected to the Board of Global Midwife Education Foundation. Since, the meetings and conversations have me feeling like myself again and in relationship with the work that pertains to this blog. I have been inspired by these women and our talks, and I hear I have been inspiring. It appears we all like to have a lot of fun together, the business process is creative, and there is solid dynamic developing within GMEF. At the current time, we're gestating. We are intensively fundraising, therefore nobody involved can quit their day jobs just yet. We all live passionately for this work. It is amazing to be part of an organization that in its very early developmental phases so deeply believes in why we will do what we do. The future is bright. One more aspect that is as crystal clear as the snow outside as this new year starts, midwifery is my work whether at the end or beginning of life. My hands are always in it and I love the places it has taken me, the experiences I have witnessed, and the people I have met. I love where it will take me in 2011. A year where I get to sleep thru the night, at least almost every night of the year. I get to ski and run more than I have since 2006, and that in itself opens a window wide. I get to dive deeper into a new world of midwifery, business, education, and activism because these elements are my focus, my goals and the plan is in place.

I stitched that garment up today. It's now back in the drawer and waiting for summer when I can run around in shorts and play in the warm summer air. Until then, I will frolic with full heart, mind, soul and body through the mountains with their majestic snow. Blessings to this new year and may you find inspiration in every day. It's there waiting for you.

Turning Season

Rob Brezney last week wrote, "Technorati, a search engine for blogs, says there are well over 100 million blogs on the Internet, and that figure doesn't include millions of Chinese language blogs. So self-expression is thriving on a global scale, right? Not exactly. Most blogs -- the estimate is 94 percent -- have not been updated for at least four months." Being that I write in spurts, I had to check in to see if it had been four months. I realized it was a month since I last posted.

In my childbirth education class, we spend a whole evening surrounding what happens in labor when we experience an unexpected event-one not on a birth plan or soul plan. One of my personal life mantras is to "walk your talk." Therefore, when my unexpected event surfaced in late August-that being putting my active midwifery hands to rest for a year and redefine my role in our health care system-I had to go to some of the exercises I give my students to understand how I operate in these times. It is not easy, that is what I can say...So when I watch all you students explore your unexpected event, draw it, and then discuss it in front of a group the element I realize I have left out is simply one of saying, "Thank you for being courageous while sharing your vulnerability." As this blog is a reflection of self-expression of that which effects my role in medicine, I love the vulnerability one exposes themselves to when they can willingly and publicly speak in regards to their path. So here I am, walking my talk and continuing to expose my unfolding.

I'd say that winter feels closer than further away, today more than any other day. It's the turning season in mountain culture. It's also a day where I can see that the profession of midwifery wants me to stay in tune with the advancement of the profession. However for me, right now, the daily role of a working midwife is not a sustainable life. In the past months, I have tried for most possible positions that come up in the want ads for health care, along with many other highly suitable applicants. Since we officially live in one of the most desirable communities in the Northern Rockies, it is a tough competition for a desirable position when the population is booming with incredibly talented, brilliant, and educated people. I continue along, moving forward.

At first, I struggled. As do most when life's unexpected's hit you in the face. It's kind of like a face shot (of snow for the less mountain literate reader). You don't expect it, but as the first shot of the year it is welcomed like some sort of baptismal event. As I continued and found my footing, I realized my two feet hadn't been planted in the ground. One foot in, one foot out and that is the way I ran my life for the last 2 years. The foot that was in, midwifery. The foot that was out, the rest of my life. So I turned.

Two weeks ago, amidst a really "damp" couple of weeks, I found myself reaching for yoga and meditation and for more running and the turning over of my garden. Whatever I could do in my free time to get that lagging second foot in the earth. I connected with my lady friends and reached out, even though I have to have rubber-woman arms to reach out sometimes my friends live so far from here...Another turn. I snapped those rubber-band arms back close to my heart and reached for those close to home. Most of all, I spent time with the earth, the changing season from an amazing heart grabbing autumn and watched as the leaves fell and snow began to fall-in bits and pieces.

Today, I find myself both feet in. Fall line and another turn and another. Don't ask me how my process speeds along, it just does and often times I just go with it. After a couple years of fighting against myself just to stay standing, I find it's over. I may not have got the jobs I wanted or the one five people suggested to me because, "You would be perfect for this position." However, I have opportunities in front of me that are connected to my intention from this time away from "catching babies" and actively working in Women's Healthcare. I swore I "thought" I knew what I wanted to do. Statistic: most people will change the course of their career seven times throughout their lifetime. This doesn't mean they will change professions, they just change the course they were headed in. Aside from this statistic: most people have greater success when they change the course of their profession 1, 2, 3 or even 4 times. Pocket of fresh and turn. These opportunities are leading me in the direction of my work, which inevitably work is love made visible. At least, that is what I want it to be for me. Even if it does mean I temporarily am a fish monger. I have to pay the bills.

In the meantime, I continue to reach for the goals of seeing to it that maternal and infant mortality rates decrease, midwives are accessible around the world and synonymous with all other maternity care providers, and dreaming big. We can work hard, still have a sustaining life and experience happiness. So as you make your first turns you snow loving people you, remember to exhale before you go deep and empty all the air out before you inhale then come up. And remember, that the unexpected event can be one of growth, life-learning, faith, and rebirth.

Skipping record

I may sound like your favorite record, after a fresh scratch, that just keeps skipping. However, this summer seems to be a reflection on love. The reflection of new beginnings, new life, new births, and how love is constantly recycling. This morning I made a search on the internet to see what the word was out there about how ACOG is going to address the new changes in regards to VBAC's. Instead, I ran into this new journal called SQUAT. It has kept me returning at periods throughout the day to read the journal amongst my time with my sister, Jennifer, and her partner Sky as they await the arrival of their lil-bit.

This publication is awesome and speaks directly to my soul, even if on the outside I don't reflect the radical, anarchist, feminist midwife. At heart, once you get deep inside it's there and it's convicted and committed to transforming the lives of women through birth and way beyond that as well as transforming the birth environment.

As I sit in a house that is expanding it's vibration of love and the size of it's family, I am inspired by a quote from For the Love of Birth, by Jennifer Summerfelt,

Because when we are witnessed in the energy of Love, when we are held and trusted in our total greatness, we, as women, can give birth in love, and that ripples into our family, our community, our country, our planet, and our cosmos. I also believe that the men who witness the miracle of birth from a place of trust and love also become transformed and they, too, become the healers of the planet (SQUAT, Summer 2010)

My year 11 teacher would ask me, "So Becca, what did you think of that?" And I would say this now...The work of my hands is evolving and changing from where I ever imagined it to be or go. It has been asked hard to change since May and there is not a whole lot I can do about it. I have witnessed many a birth from a place of trust and love, much so that as I read this quote I can sit back and say I have been lucky. This place has completely transformed my view of living on earth. I've come to realize this past month I cannot turn back and hope for it to be the way it was, however I can move forward with just what Jennifer speaks of in her article "trust and connection."

Healing this planet is taking a lot of work and conscious effort on our parts. If it is as easy as tapping into Love and trusting it and moving forward in our doings from a place of love, then you'd think we would all sign up. Not so much so it seems to me. The greater consciousness has other work to do. But this small group of us out there doing this work, we're generating enough voltage right now to keep the light lit and for me keep sounding like a skipping record.

In closing, SQUAT also inspired me to reconnect with the activist and the inner-anarchist that is not willing to follow the grain and is totally inspired to healthfully disrupt the current state of midwifery. I'm over the current state I am surrounded by, because (guess what) I am selfish and want to see change, continuity, support and most of all Love evolve. So as I commit to my path, I commit to change and r-EVolution. Just like my father and ancestors encouraged me to do.

I heart...

Being the day marked to celebrate love, I sent a message to my friends around the world asking them what they heart. I asked them all to take a moment and feel (in that moment) what makes them feel the fuzzy feelings what they heart brings to them and their life. Here is what I received:

“I heart my loving family and cherished friends. They make me who I am!”

“That every experience we have impacts the direction of the road ahead.”

“I heart helping people.”

“I heart the memory of sitting on the hood of a car with my daddy watching the northern lights dance in the sky amongst a warm summer’s night.”

“Compassionate touch, simple silences, a day in the sunshine with friends and my partner, my life right now...and of course our newest little fuzz-bucket puppy - oh and GOOD FOOD!”

“Cinnamon bears.”

“I heart.....long hugs with family and friends who are near and dear to me.”

“I heart........friends, family, my dog's wagging tail..................and surprises!”

“I heart eating pancakes with maple syrup with my family on the weekend!”

“I love life with all its opportunities & challenges that is has to offer!! It's amazing how if you respond to the opportunities & accept the challenges, how sweeet life truly is.”

“I heart the little things; small gestures of love and kindness.”

“...waking up on Sunday mornings snuggled up to my husband with our dogs curled up at our feet. “

“a warm wind, laughter rising from my soul, my babies hugging each other”

“I heart...fresh air, moist with rain-stirring with a warm spring-is-coming wind.”

“I heart saying yes to the extraordinary adventures of life as a mamma and a wife.”

“Knowing that there are good people in this world who want to share a brighter future”

“All the energy I feel every day from those whose thoughts reach out to me and the ones I love. As if rainbows of light are radiating out, making the earth a more loving and gentle world.”

“I heart thoughtfulness. ( like your inspiration to make this list). I heart easy conversation, with old and new friends. I heart the confidence that comes with age. I heart touching the back of my love's neck. I heart awaiting the feeling of the first flutters of life inside my growing belly.”

“I heart the moments I set aside to meditate and listen and sit in the presence of the One that created me. The things that I sense, the peace that I feel, the Love that overwhelms me in those moments soothe my heart and excite my soul. It is a Love and Wholeness that my earthly mind cannot understand.”

“Puffy coats, quilts made by my grandmother, the first seconds of the morning when you are in complete comfort just lying in bed, and the feeling of being physically exhausted from exercise.”

“I heart food made with care, sharing life with close friends, laying on the couch with my cat snuggled on me, the community I live in.”

“My daughters words, "Mummy do you know who the most beautiful people are in the world?' “No sweetie.” “You and daddy.” And of course all of the other wonderful blessings I have in my life.”

“I heart Jennifer and Rebecca, who pulled me through two treacherous years and are a constant source of merriment and imagination to me.”

“I heart so much in life that sometimes I feel like I am going to explode. There is glory around every corner.”

“I heart my beautiful sisters, who hold my hands as I revel and reckon.”

“My dog, especially when she puts her head on my lap.”

Please add to the list and feel free to share what you heart, wherever you may be. And always, enjoy the ride.

A little help for a friend

Recently, a friend or 2 have asked me for advice for their births as they move into hospital based births. It is an honor for me to be present for them, even in written word. So tonight, since I have had such a lag from this blog, I post this bit of what I believe to be some tips for mommas and partners around. This was sent to my friend Lisa.

You are about to embark on the journey of your lifetime. You think you've skied big lines and gone beyond your limits but you are about to experience the biggest and steepest line you've ever imagined, this is what I hear from the mum's who have experience like you do, like I do. We are women who have known nothing but adrenaline strength. The strength you need for labor is not adrenaline so much, although it floods your baby after you have pushed the little nugget out because, "WHOA what did I just do?" will flood every cell in your body. But birth is about allowing prostaglandins and oxytocin (the love hormone) do the work in your body and come over you. A lot of these hormones aren't released in controlled settings, but if you stay home in early labor and into active labor a lot of this will come out. Ask your doctor to provide you with a quiet birthing environment in the hospital if you go in early and these hormones will do their work.

focus on LETTING GO OF CONTROL. Control gets us nowhere but stuck. Birth is not a time to be controlled. Don't let nurses and doctors tell you to quiet down or do anything other than you are CALLED to do. Follow your releases because that is the way babies come out, if a mom is allowed to birth and be exactly as she is. If you push your baby out and someone is telling you to change what feels good, you tell them to piss off and let you do what is right for you. Allow yourself to let go of control, as it is a fundamental process of becoming a parent. The rest of your life, as parents, is about letting go of what was and how it was managed and that we can't control anything our kids do. IF there was one brilliant thing my dad did for me, he let me go and let me fumble through it coming to my conclusions and beginnings and many times our conclusions were in line and synchronised. However, I got there myself. I was birthed in the most out of control way. My mom barely knew she was in labor until I almost came out in a garbage can. Let go, even if you think you're chill, LET GO MORE.

FOLLOW YOUR BODY and all the messages that come through your body.

Chase after your fear and bring love to it. Chase it like you ski and bring love to it...Flood it with love and let yourself know it will be okay. Fear will arise.

View yourself going down things that challenge you and how do you flow into those intense (adrenaline) moments. Look at this now. Look at this with Chris. Begin this visualization now and see how your body reacts. Does it tense? Does it relax? IF so, when fear comes up, do you clinch. If you clinch, find mechanisms that help you relax those muscles you need to relax. Keep practicing this until you birth your baby. Until you birth yourself into a mother. It's intense. This whole process.

Birth is not comfortable. It is painful, but the pain is what you need to know to birth yourself into a parent. It is pain that you can approach, you can touch and you can play with you can sing through. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. (some of these capitals are simply statements you can teach Chris to remind you of too while he's with you in labor).

One part of your body that needs to release where I see strong mummie's getting held up is in the bum. To birth your baby you need to imagine it coming out your butt rather your vagina because the first place that head hits is your bum, your rectum. So if you should feel like you can't open your pelvis, teach chris to touch you on your bum. Do you know where your sit bones are? If not, find them by asking your doctor. They are pretty much your ischial tuberosities. IF you apply pressure, like a deep massage, to this part of the body as a mum is pushing or even before pushing when she needs direction then the pelvis opens naturally and babies are able to move down through the canal and onto the perineum with more ease. IT DROPS THE HIPS WIDE OPEN. It works beautifully.

Water helps A LOT for pain management. Spend time in the shower or in a tub, if you want to avoid the drugs of an epidural (which there is reason to avoid it). It really helps lift the pressure off you and I hear it over and over again how much it helps. WARM WARM water.

When you're in early labor and having lots of braxton hicks and false contractions before bed and they have you in question, get in a hot bath with a glass of red wine and most likely those contractions/surges will fade away and you will get to sleep peacefully.

Eat and drink LOTS in labor.

Move to your body's desire in labor.

Humming. When a mummie is tired but she is also having contractions, I sit with her and as each contraction arises I rub her gently and hum with her. Chris could do this. It'd be like your mum humming you to sleep. Then when the contraction is over, she rests and breathes. Again, when it starts up you hum, the partner hums and gently rubs your arm or back or whatever is comforting so you can rest. So you can drop in and rest. If you have a doula, the doula could do this and Chris could sleep. It is a gem.

If things stall out, change the scenery. Go to the movies, go on a walk. Paint your toenails. Paint something. Get your mind off early early labor and the tricks it plays on you.

If you feel stuck, you need someone there who can supportively talk you out of a stuck place. If Chris is the man for you to do this, find a conversation around this and how it might happen. What it means for me, I sit by the side of a mom who is questioning her place in birth and labor and is looking for support but will take an out if you present it. So, I go into her space. I ask her where she is at and why she is there. I ask her what she needs and what could help her out of this place. I ask her what her fears are and we go into them. I coach her to a place of confidence and strength that is deep and knowing and she gets herself out of that hole, off the hook so to speak and starts making the climb back up to the place where she'll birth her baby. I have done it for many and these women are on my website for that matter and the women who are still my good friends. Think of how you will get unstuck AND prepare for this place.

I believe it's really important to have the environment that is right for the mother and each mother is very different. YOu create the space that is nurturing to you in early labor, then in active labor you do the work in that space. Think of what will nurture you in regards to your birthing space. Bring it with you to the hospital.

I feel honored that you're asking me these questions and you will birth just as you need to birth, both yourself and your baby and Chris will birth too. Imagine that! Sweet. This process of birth is a place of real raw truth and one we all get through, if it's part of our journey. Whatever way this baby is brought into the world, it will still experience a birth with you. I believe in you, all your strength and that you hold a deep wisdom of trust in your body (and I do because I see what you ski and the places you go) and you may not know of this trust but it is there. CARRY THIS OVER TO YOUR BIRTH.

I'm such a cheesy woman @ heart when it comes to love, because it is what is brought to birth and life and death. You are just entering a remarkable time and we have done such a great job de-humanizing the experience and just making birth just another event. It's so much larger than life. It is a true rite of passage and if you've never been involved with one, hold on mummie because you are so close. I cannot give you a list of things to focus on, sorry. That is part of you finding out that process for you. I am here in this last month for you in whatever way this midwife and friend can guide you!