Joining Hands

A little something in the works...

My steps into healing and medicine began when I was about 6 years old and had enough awareness to see the work my grandfather did. I was fascinated by his instruments, mostly by the stool that I knew he used to slide from a desk to a patient. I was obsessed. When my grandfather passed away, I was in the seventh grade. I hung up the phone after speaking with my daddy about grandpa and I said, “I will become a doctor.” My path to midwifery wasn’t all that straightforward, however. I began the journey out of high school to be a pre-med major. However, a significant family event moved me to head down a path of self-discovery. I quit medicine and explored education, wilderness pursuits, and the world of shamanism, yoga, energy-work, and integrative healing medicines. I had silenced crucial ingredients in my life from age 10 to 19: magic, earth wisdom, integrity, and a sense of wonder. My grades began to reflect that my desire to go to medical school was waning and my desire to learn to be a leader, visionary and educator was surfacing. I rose to the occasion. After 6 years of this adventure, the yearning returned. These six years laid the foundation for a huge leap I would take in the coming years. When I asked, I listened and heard the calling to empower and transform the lives of women and families through healthcare and medicine. But wait...I thought I was going to be a healer and the kind of healer that lives out in the woods with all her spirits and woody treatments. Instead, I saw myself in both hospitals and the wilderness. I saw myself in homes and clinics. I saw myself surrounded by infants and children. I saw all these visions and I continued to shove them to the very back of my brain where they would lay dormant until I was ready to awaken. Somehow, the adventures of my life from 1996 to 2003 mashed together and created what I am becoming today. In 2003, I applied to midwifery school. Shortly before the program was to begin, my best friend died in a climbing accident. I was asked to conduct and hold the space of the memorial service. During this moment, as snakes slid into our circle and osprey flew in circles above I learned about the true meaning of the word “Midwife.”

Midwife, phonetically, means “with woman.” It was an expert in education who reminded me that we can be more than just a midwife to the parturient woman. He reminded me to be a midwife to my students, a midwife to the dying and mourning, and most important a midwife to myself. I am one of the fortunate women and men who have studied Midwifery and have become licensed as a Midwife. This work is extraordinary. It is a profession, in the United States, that has been pushed to the bottom of the totem pole even though we fly to tall heights for our patients. It is a profession that compromises relationships, social adventures, birthday parties and sometimes love-making because the phone rings and you hear your client is having contractions 2 to 3 minutes apart and feeling lots of pressure. Commonly, you then have to get your assistants and students lined up, all while brushing your teeth and getting ready for the “day.” As one friend said, “You just miss out on so many things.” I don’t see my job that way. I see it as the opportunity to leave the mundane rituals of our human existence to move along side with a woman in labor; and when the activity of labor presents I am there to make sure everything is birthed safely and as intuitively as the agreement made between mother and baby before the birth begins. And when that agreement is meant to draw in the attendant and challenge them, I am there with all my education and training to act as a health care professional and make sure both mom and baby are “born” safely.

I chose the profession of midwifery over obstetrics because it matched my beliefs in women, birth and health care. I see pregnancy and birth as an opportunity to grow and learn, rather than an illness and condition. I am trained and educated to recognize and work with complications, however the mother is not a complication to me nor is the baby inside her womb until she presents with a complication and needs medical attention. I see pregnancy as a magical time. At birth is when we become the gatekeepers, whether you wear the acronym of CPM, CNM, MD, Ob/Gyn. I still see birth as a magical event. In this country, where 1 in every 5,600 mothers giving birth unfortunately dies-we the gatekeepers are here to change that issue and see to these numbers improving. It is our job people, our job to make this number fewer and fewer each MINUTE. Each minute.

A new chapter began today, started gestating a couple months ago. As I slowly grow into this new chapter in Midwifery and Maternal/Child Health I will do my best to be a better writer. To keep you informed. However, if you are a Midwife, a Doctor, or a Momma carrying her child inside or in her arms, or a poppa loving your family-do your best today to find your strongest vision, your strongest point in which to take care of the women that surround you, the women that make community, the women that we need to hold in life. Find it, write it here, write is somewhere else. Just make sure it matters to you, to your highest self and create what is yours. Again, CREATE it with all your heart.

Unwinding

Restitution: the move a baby makes to find it's way into the world. What happens when a baby decides to restitute slowly or not at all? It's what we providers call the fine art of Dystocia. Do we love it? No! I have heard from some OB's that Midwives are "brave" for being able to manage such complications outside of a hospital suite. Brave...Brave...I can remember not feeling so brave. Was I being forced to "dig deep" and as deep as I can go to trust in safety and trust in the body's wisdom. Yes. What have been the results? Babies come out, they are born.

Why don't you want to restitute baby? What's in there that's so great? Or is it that opening is shaped just a little uniquely and it's not so easy to fit through. How can I help you? Come on, one more contraction. Deep breaths (momma and provider). The release will happen. The release will happen. One more contraction. So we wait for the contraction, because that provides the force. If with the next contraction, still no progression, we as providers begin to act and the flight or fight hormones work in cadence between mom and provider. It is a team effort, and there is no "I" in team. There is a tedious protocol when it comes to managing dystocia, as when not resolved after one or two maneuvers you must act quickly to reduce damage to both momma and baby. You think about mom, you think about baby, you pray. You think about the resuscitation station. You think about postpartum hemorrhage. You get the mom out of the tub. When "encouraged" to dig deep, I work in an active form of meditation. Or maybe it's silent recitation.

So here i go...digging deep to "wonder." What is the one thing I call upon when I am watching a woman push and birth her baby? Is there more than one? Do I ever reflect on my energetic/karmic influence on a birth? I have got all the tools. I can hear the babies heart, I can see the mom's well-being, I can work with my environment and it's inhabitants. Where do I dig to go into action? Even if my role as a player in this genuine dance is really off in the distance, where am I stuck? What frees me? Freedom. Wonder. If I show up, fully present and in my most loving state, will this be enough?

I remember getting tested for our final exams in midwifery school and walking into the Dystocia lab. There, an actress sat, "birthing" her baby. It was nothing like the test when it happened alone, with no other assistant beside me. When I dug deep, I heard Suzy Myers and Gail Tully slowly walking me through the steps. I felt fear ripple through my body. I talked to the baby. I listened. I took deep breaths. Loved ones came. I saw the guides I call on to help me. I saw the Board of Alternative Medicine in Montana. I saw my sister midwives. Somehow, they all came to the birth for a brief moment. Then I called deeper and remembered things I never knew I'd remember. And they left. I worked. Then baby was born, vigorous and mad at me (for a while). This is the act of digging deep in Obstetrics and we all have to do it. And we all talk about it. We share and tell our stories.

If you are finding yourself "stuck" what is it that inspires you to unwind and jump back to your path? Where is that well inside of you that gets you to "deep" and clicks the light back on? That last little squeeze can be the greatest effort on a newborns behalf and it is the beginning of life, a very important step in the first breath of life. We will continue to restitute throughout life and I hope today you explore resolve and restitute to your call. Enjoy.

Demystifying the Obstetrician

This month I shadowed a fellow maternity care colleague, Melissa Augustyn, MD. Melissa is an OB/Gyn who has an incredible history and known for being a brilliant, 36 year old independent and unique woman and physician. As I repeatedly state, I know and acknowledge that in the US there are many controversial issues that sit between the medical and midwifery models, hence rubbing onto the skin and creating irritations between OB's and Midwives routinely. We all have big shoes to fill and this month I found no extra time to be in the creative process of my "mini-series." I am reminded what full clinic days are like, combined with a birth or five, and now add on surgery and potential cesarean births. The days you get home late in the night, if you get home, and drop in bed after a shower because that is all you can do. Then I think to myself, "This is what I do." This is why my spare time is precious. Providers in the midwifery model and medical maternity model do not live ordinary lives, as ordinary as we wish we could be. Yet here's my attempt to bring ordinary courage, compassion and connection to a big mystery. Some say, "let the mystery be," but I am WAY too curious to have let this opportunity slip by.

To aid in the mini-series, I read Brene Brown's book to contextualize and "Dig Deep" into my first project. I am a midwife who wants to walk in the shoes of those who walk in all Maternity Care. I want to access women who would not choose home birth as a birthing option. Therefore, I got to walk the halls and offices and surgical suites of Bozeman Deaconess. My first day was classic. We were on call, we had 22 patient visits, we had 2 births going on-one a VBAC (where I was the planned doula) and um...I decided to walk out of the house with 2 different colored clogs on. At around 2 pm, after our third non-stress test visit I looked down at my feet and noticed one brown and one black shoe. GO FIGURE! Here's a midwife exploring the medical world, wearing two different shoes. I walk out of the room and say to Melissa, "So when were you going to mention the shoes?" Her response, "I thought it was cool, some new trend and you were hip to it." We cracked up and I comfortably made jokes about myself the rest of the day. Never in all my apprenticeship years did I do that, but the day I decide to enter the medical model of course I show up "unique."

A demystifying comment. Within an hour of arriving to the office, I met a fellow physician in the practice. When she heard I was a midwife she responded, "So you've come and now you can see that we're not anti-christ." Well, I never thought OB's were the anti-christ to begin with so I responded, "No, I am here so you learn midwives are not the anti-christ." Our relationship began to bloom right at that moment. Reciprocity exists.

I was able to walk the halls of Bozeman Deaconess intimately with a compassionate physician. A physician who sits with her birthing mom's and waits well into the postpartum to make sure everyone is situated, one who leaves the surgical suite with her patients as they enter recovery, and one who goes out of her way to make sure care is coordinated and comfortable. Every provider, midwife or OB, has differing styles and yet I deeply believe we have the same goals: healthy mom, healthy baby.

The month blew my mind and heart wide open. I have had little capacity for social activity. The mountains my refuge. Birds signs of calm, owl calling on a snowy evening as the sun set and moon rose. Body standing for hours watching women have the organ removed that helped them bring life into this world, leaning to one side because I never knew I would be so profoundly attracted to surgery and to the power of helping women continue forward in comfort rather than excruciating pain. Assisting in a cesarean that in the moment I could see my vision changing. Deep compassion, awareness changing. Connecting. Nerves. Courage. Watching the most beautiful VBAC happen naturally with two parents, two friends who inspire me in parenting, inspire me in family, inspire me in love. Watching their hearts fill and to witness their 'miraculous journey' in what has been an intolerant hospital to VBAC. Whispering into the ear of another mom (who had asked me about placental encapsulation) and who was unmedicated and pushing in side lying, "You are doing brilliantly and you're strong." She whispered back, "Thank you." And on the next push baby entered our world. Letting go of the structure that held me solid for years to allow for new opening, new expansion and allowing whatever wanted to enter to enter. Breath.

The last 5 hours of my last day, we waited around the hospital as the backup team for another mother who was a VBAC. Start with a VBAC, end with a VBAC. As we talked in Melissa's office for 5 hours post clinic and the 8 hours of surgery, she asked me about energy healing, the depths of my midwifery education and if I could see auras. She asked me about shamanism. She asked me about nutrition. I asked her about her residency at Case Western Reserve in Ohio and she taught me about the tricks of the trade in saving lives during moments when you have 5 minutes to save a woman's life. We watched on the computer the birthing VBAC mother as she progressed, together we sent her positive birth energy because every successful VBAC at Bozeman Deaconess paves the way for the next. At 10:19 pm on the 24th of February, another mother had the chance to attempt a vaginal birth after cesarean on wavering waters and her miracle occurred. First, the intrauterine pressure catheter slid off the strip and 2 minutes later so did the external fetal monitor. We phoned down to Labor and Delivery and heard the positive reports, sent a congratulations text, packed our bags from the day and went home. Happy momma, happy babe, happy family, and new possibilities always are able to occur for in the universe there are no boundaries and absolutely everything is possible.

After Brene's book, I began reading "Spell of the Sensuous" by David Abrams. The first chapter, Ecology of Magic, I have read in the past however it comes back around. After a personal dose of oxytocin I read these lines,"Without a continually adjusted awareness of the relative balance or imbalance between the human group and its nonhuman environ, along with the skills necessary to modulate that primary relation, any "healer" is worthless-indeed, not a healer at all. The medicine person's primary allegiance, then, is not to the human community, but to the earthly web of relations in which that community is embedded-it is from this that his or her power to alleviate human illness derives."

As I continually adjust my awareness, I am so grateful that I live with an open heart. My work is just beginning. It fills me with tremendous joy to have had such an invaluable experience this last month, and if anything I can say that I reminded my obstetrician friend how to see auras. After all, she is the one who could see air molecules when she was a little girl. I deeply believe in magic and faith.

Skipping record

I may sound like your favorite record, after a fresh scratch, that just keeps skipping. However, this summer seems to be a reflection on love. The reflection of new beginnings, new life, new births, and how love is constantly recycling. This morning I made a search on the internet to see what the word was out there about how ACOG is going to address the new changes in regards to VBAC's. Instead, I ran into this new journal called SQUAT. It has kept me returning at periods throughout the day to read the journal amongst my time with my sister, Jennifer, and her partner Sky as they await the arrival of their lil-bit.

This publication is awesome and speaks directly to my soul, even if on the outside I don't reflect the radical, anarchist, feminist midwife. At heart, once you get deep inside it's there and it's convicted and committed to transforming the lives of women through birth and way beyond that as well as transforming the birth environment.

As I sit in a house that is expanding it's vibration of love and the size of it's family, I am inspired by a quote from For the Love of Birth, by Jennifer Summerfelt,

Because when we are witnessed in the energy of Love, when we are held and trusted in our total greatness, we, as women, can give birth in love, and that ripples into our family, our community, our country, our planet, and our cosmos. I also believe that the men who witness the miracle of birth from a place of trust and love also become transformed and they, too, become the healers of the planet (SQUAT, Summer 2010)

My year 11 teacher would ask me, "So Becca, what did you think of that?" And I would say this now...The work of my hands is evolving and changing from where I ever imagined it to be or go. It has been asked hard to change since May and there is not a whole lot I can do about it. I have witnessed many a birth from a place of trust and love, much so that as I read this quote I can sit back and say I have been lucky. This place has completely transformed my view of living on earth. I've come to realize this past month I cannot turn back and hope for it to be the way it was, however I can move forward with just what Jennifer speaks of in her article "trust and connection."

Healing this planet is taking a lot of work and conscious effort on our parts. If it is as easy as tapping into Love and trusting it and moving forward in our doings from a place of love, then you'd think we would all sign up. Not so much so it seems to me. The greater consciousness has other work to do. But this small group of us out there doing this work, we're generating enough voltage right now to keep the light lit and for me keep sounding like a skipping record.

In closing, SQUAT also inspired me to reconnect with the activist and the inner-anarchist that is not willing to follow the grain and is totally inspired to healthfully disrupt the current state of midwifery. I'm over the current state I am surrounded by, because (guess what) I am selfish and want to see change, continuity, support and most of all Love evolve. So as I commit to my path, I commit to change and r-EVolution. Just like my father and ancestors encouraged me to do.

Simple Reminders

I was panning through an old presentation and came upon this quote from Gera Simkins, the President of MANA (Midwives Alliance of North America):

Midwives have the vision and skill required to bring forward the best...in women’s health care that serves the individual, the family, the community...and serves in a sustaining manner.

The start of the week brought the Solstice, the day we fill the earth with light and begin to watch life grow and be fertile. With this quote, I am simply reminded of the love, activism, and advocacy that midwives make in our world each day. Thanks Gera for leading our way.

Storytelling

I love the art of storytelling. When it comes to a birth story, the reflection of a woman comes out as she proudly announces her experience and her new arrival. I love birth stories. I love them when they are flowery and juicy. I love them when they are three sentences long. It's rare you get the birth attendants birth story, because it's not our birth. We can always add our part. From my perspective, this mother had enduring confidence in herself and trusted every step of the way. When a birth unfolds, such as Jenna and Morgan's birth unfolded, it is sometimes unimaginable that the birth process can be so quick. I had yet to check her cervix when she got the first urge to push and when I asked her to breathe through some of the initial "pushie" contractions. When her body began to shake with hormones and the look in her eye said, "Let's birth this baby," the process began. I believe a mother's body knows best. I love being reminded every birth has it's own tune, and we as the midwives and doctors must learn to dance a new dance every single birth. Sometimes, we can repeat the steps...but that is on a rare and blue moon. Thank you Dodge's! Enjoy the beginning of a new moon phase and also the new week!

Morgan Perry Dodge, born at 7:23 a.m. on Saturday, May 29, 2010. He weighed 7 lbs 12 oz, is 19" long, with a 15" head circumference. Here is his story:

I woke up at 1:14 a.m. to a sharp, painful contraction. I went into the bathroom, not wanting to wake up Ben, and came back to bed a couple of minutes later. I tried to go to sleep but was awakened by another contraction at 1:27 a.m. Again, I headed to the bathroom, but at this point I was a little bit scared and shaken up, so when I came to bed, I woke up Ben. I told Ben that I had had 2 contractions and I wanted him to sit with me through the next one, and we could start to time them. I told Ben that I thought they felt much different than anything else I had felt before. I was a little shaky and feeling really scared, honestly. I think that I knew it was the real thing happening, but I didn't want to say it out loud.

We don't have any regular watches or anything to easily time the contractions, so Ben quickly downloaded an app for his Droid that times the contractions for you. Gotta love technology! After about 5 more contractions that came at most 5 minutes apart, we called the midwives (Rebecca Egbert and Erin Ellis of the Green Midwife Community Birth Services). Rebecca advised that we try to relax and sleep through them (yeah, right!), and that maybe we get into the water, and to call her back in an hour. We filled the tub and I sat in it for a few contractions, but I found that I wanted to move, and the tub wasn't big enough for me to move in. I really liked the hands and knees position, or the knees-to-chest position, so I sat through a few contractions on the bed in the knees to chest position. I really liked that.

At 3 a.m. or so, we called Rebecca again to give her an update, per her request. Again, she advised that we try to rest through the contractions and we agreed to call her back when we wanted her to come over.

Around 3:30 a.m. I decided that I should call my Mom to have her make the drive from Missoula. I hadn't wanted to call before 4 a.m., but at this point, I wasn't sure I she was going to make it if I called any later. We didn't tell her how close the contractions were (3 minutes from start to start!) because we were worried about her making the drive as it were, being so early in the morning.

Around 4 a.m., we called Rebecca again. I was feeling a little "pushy" but knew that I should be trying to resist the urge, because I didn't want to push before I was fully dilated. But, realizing that things were progressing quickly, we called Rebecca and told her we wanted her to come over. She told Ben that "She's probably only 2 or 3 cm right now, and she'd come over, but it still might be a while". Ben hung up the phone, relayed the message. In the next contraction my water broke (4:14 a.m.) and I told Ben that "if I'm only 2 or 3 cm dilated, I don't think I can do this!" It was intense, and because I had no previous experience to compare it to, I was worried that perhaps I was only 2 or 3 cm dilated and not just not nearly as "tough" as I thought I would be!

Rebecca made her way over, showed up at around 4:45, at which point I was laboring on the toilet or in the hands and knees position, hanging on Ben's lap. I was very vocal during the contractions, and I was surprised at how natural it felt to vocalize, and how I didn't feel self-conscious about it at all, even though I thought I would be. Rebecca took one look at me and said "Okay, I'll get set up", realizing I think that we didn't have as long as she thought we would with most first time mamas.

The advice to resist the urge to push continued, I'm not sure how long, but maybe for another hour even. I finally told Rebecca that I just couldn't resist anymore - it was taking all of my willpower and concentration, and I found myself pushing during contractions, like I couldn't help it. She did a quick check, determined I was fully dilated, and gave me the go-ahead to push!

Pushing was WAY better than not pushing. It hurt, sort of, but it was also incredibly rewarding. I could reach in and feel Morgan's head, and I could feel him enter the birth canal. It was awesome. It definitely did hurt a bit, and I was afraid of the "ring of fire" that I've heard about, which is the burning sensation you get as the tissues of the vagina get stretched to the maximum. However, I knew it was inevitable, so I might as well embrace it. We ended up pushing for about 30-35 minutes, primarily in the squat position, with me resting between contractions hanging on Ben's legs (he was seated behind me in a chair). We ended up giving the final push in the hands-to-knees position, which proved the absolute most effective at that point.

When he was born, Ben immediately said "It's a boy!" and I exclaimed "Oh! He's so cute!" I was expecting the typical Winston-Churchill look-alike newborn, but to me, MY baby was cute :) I guess that's the maternal love hormone cocktail working it's magic. I wish we had gotten the birth on video like we had planned, but everything happened so fast that I forgot to get the video camera upstairs, and for that matter, I didn't show anyone how to use it, and I even forgot that we had a video camera until I was pushing. We did get lots of birth photos that we are making a slideshow out of so I'll share those soon :)

Reflecting on the event, the thing that surprised me the most was that I never felt like I needed or wanted any drugs. The only time I had any self doubt was when the contractions started up for the first time. Well, and then when Rebecca said she thought I might be at 2 or 3 cm is all, but I knew that she wasn't here to see me so she was just guessing. At least, I had hoped she was very wrong!

Afterwards, Ben asked me if it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I thought for a minute, and said "No". It wasn't, really. It was intense, and it definitely wasn't easy, physically. But, it was easy in the sense that I trusted my body to do what it needed to do, and I knew that whatever was going to happen wasn't optional. My body was going to give me a certain amount of pain/stress, and it was up to me to handle that pain in the best way I could. I also knew that, like everything else in life, this too, shall pass. I just kept thinking about the fact that when this was over, the pain would be gone, and I would have my baby in my arms.

However, if Ben had asked me the same question sometime between 5 and 7 a.m., I might have had a very different answer for him. That's the thing about natural birth - it only sucks when you're in it, and then you immediately forget.

Thanks, oxytocin!

A Conscious Woman

Inspired to give a tip of the week, I come upon the Conscious Woman Website and the work of Gloria Lemay as I wait for the current downpour to reside. Gloria leads a series of webinars named, "Essentials of Maternal-Infant Care." Take some time to check out the webinar options as a birthing woman, midwife, physician, doula, or anyone interested in Gloria's perspective.

Thank you Gloria and to the women of Conscious Woman!

A first for the US

Aviva Jill Romm, a name we hear in the midwifery community, and now entering the medical community. I check up on her progression every now and again, see what she's done, see what she's written and if she has graduated from Yale University. Today, I realized that she is creating the FIRST Women's Health Internal Medicine program (through Yale University) in the United States. Here we go girls! Get ready for transformation.

Check out this woman's "gifts" if you are a natural childbirth momma, interested in women's health from an integrative perspective, or just believe that we are the ones who can empower change in our medical system on her website:

http://www.avivaromm.com/

I am thrilled to keep up with her and see what more she has in store, including conversations on vaccinations, natural birth and postpartum care from birthing women, and women's health. Thank you Aviva!

Out they come...

A quick good morning to y'all. Out comes a new movie "Natural Born Babies" to fill the screens of Americans. A review from Molly Remer came out yesterday and was posted on The Citizens for Midwifery blog.

This lovely short film produced by a midwifery service in California, is a great “ad” for the benefits of homebirth and of midwifery care. Natural Born Babies has a very clean, fresh, and contemporary feel and features a multicultural collection of homebirth families talking about their experiences in front of a white screen. Something that is particularly striking is that some of the people speaking with love and enthusiasm about their midwives and their birth experiences include a cardiologist, an anesthesiologist, and an ER physician!

The first part of the film is titled Interventions and features both men and women speaking about birth, referencing how pregnancy and birth are treated like medical conditions and including a lot of discussion about the prevalence of cesareans. The point is made that, “no epidural can replace human touch.” The second part is titled The Birth Specialists and points out that OB/GYNS are pathology specialists, whereas midwives are trained in normalcy—“we take low-risk women, and keep them low-risk.” Midwives are specialists in normal pregnancy and birth. Because of the film’s emphasis is wholly on out-of-hospital birth and hospitals are critiqued very soundly, hospital-bound couples viewing the film may find that it causes their defenses to rise.

Several of the parents are holding their babies as they speak and a CNM speaks briefly as well (citing both ACNM and MANA). The CNM manages Orange County’s only accredited birth center. I enjoyed the presence of a bio-physicist dad originally from Holland saying, “everyone I know was born at home” and noting that “you give birth the same way you live.” Several of the couples speaking do refer to the father as “delivering” the baby, which is a long-term pet peeve of mine.

Special features include a 10 minute version of the film, an outtakes section, and a look inside the South Coast Birth Center. At the end of the film we see that one of the couples is the director/producer of the film.

Natural Born Babies is a fast-paced film and though it is filmed in a “talking heads” format, it cuts quickly from person to person, thus keeping the viewer engaged. If you are looking for an informative video that is homebirth and midwifery friendly, but that does not include any birth footage, this would be a good addition to your library.

Take the time to seek this movie out, I am adding it to my library now. Enjoy the sunshine all you Bozemanites, and for the rest of you may springtime activities fill you up.

Reviewed by Molly Remer, MSW, CCCE; http://talkbirth.wordpress.com

New Sprouts

Once again, I have taken a hiatus from the world of the web. Inspired by many recent opportunities, I have thought focusing on this blog rather than a blog, facebook, twitter and all the ways to reach out. Let's say, I am synchronizing my efforts so I can produce something good, a resource for those who want to be inspired by birth and midwifery and the ways of parenting. Maybe in this redirection, there are also days when I just write to the Green Midwife community about happenings, creative ventures and new learnings in Midwifery.

So...what have I been up to since February? Let me introduce what my small practice has been doing...we've been growing.

Simon was born to Robin and Pat back in February, on a very snowy day. He was a sweet little guy who has brought lots of light to the life to us.

Modina Millie Mattie was born to Modina Sr and her father Dave in March. She came to us 5 weeks early, and she showed

exemplary vitals and was able to go straight to her momma's chest where she started nursing and she truly hasn't stopped since.

Ania Lynn was born next, on her family farm, and she came quite quickly...All 9 lbs 1 ounce of her. It was one of those midwifery births that restores all vision and clarity to the reasons why I love this job with all my soul. (This picture got removed from facebook for being "obscene").

And finally, sweet little baby Trinci Blue was born in the wee hours of the morning. Her momma gave all her go with the pushing and around 2 in the morning she slid out into everyone's arms. Many people had been waiting for this birth, and it all came in perfect time.

With the other birth centers in town thriving and I trying to find my place in this midwifery community, I realize Green Midwife has been thriving too. In February, Erin Ellis, CPM, LM moved to Bozeman and it's been wonderful to have build a new friendship and really like a big breath of fresh air has come around town. We all welcome her to the community and know she will add new light. It is our hope that we can work together to bring more unity to the local midwives and inspire more frequent gatherings, peer reviews and continuing education opportunities that make midwifery an empowering job and build better communities. A fun journey is ahead of us.

I got to take a vacation to Louisiana and Texas, to visit my boyfriend Ross where he is working on his family farm. It was an opportunity for me to reconnect with my heritage and a time to learn about his history, being my family comes from Southwestern Louisiana/East Texas and his from North Louisiana. We met up briefly with some Green Midwife clients who birthed about a year ago, in Austin, and of course beautiful Sara Janssen and her traveling family caught the moment on camera. In there, I have had some time with family. My lovely older sister Jennifer and her partner Sky are expecting their first baby in August. If that baby comes in August, I will be the only woman in our direct lineage not born in August. Thank heavens for my aunt Marilyn, who is born in September.

Finally, Green Midwife is moving out of the Main Street office in Bozeman on June 1st. As spring sprouts new life, so do I to this blog and to the other arenas of an enjoyable midwifery practice. New horizons are on the way for this midwife in Bozeman and I am looking forward to watching the growth of my practice here in Montana.

365 days young

Gosh, thoughts rush in and I realize again that my blogging skills are nothing like my dear Sara Janssen nor could I even try. However, as the last 365 days have flown by my I sit here just before my eyes rest and recognize that my 2010 is going to bring balance, invigoration and reminding myself why I live in the mountains, why I am a mountain girl, and all the acts that have brought me here. Midwifery and birth is crucial to the harmonious strum in my heart, but it's just one valve of the heart. There are four; and, then there's the pericardium and the job it has to make the whole heart operate. To me, the universe is the pericardium, and my ultimate goal is to connect everyday with that pulse and voice of the universe.

How do we flow through our days just being without any desire to connect to universe, to god, to a presence that is so much greater than ourselves? I don't know anymore, because I am one who seeks out that daily knowledge. I seek it out through my practice, through my experiences on snow, my experiences on trails, and being far from the waves of the ocean I find my own ocean through meditation. What I do know about the flow I have been experiencing, is that some days the universe fills our cup half full and somedays it leaves us half empty. An experience over the last week or so has left me right in the middle, right where half empty joins half full and there is serene peace enveloping every crevice of my body. Tonight on a run, the stars came out just perfectly as I can reflect on the last 365 days and know each was meant to teach me.

I stood in front of a large group of sustainably minded people last night and for the first time in almost 2 years gave a 2 minute schpeel on why my practice is called Green Midwife Community Birth Services and what my work as a midwife means to this community, to our local and national health, and why I have chose to collaborate with Dr. Holcomb Johnston, ND in practice. A brief moment to realize I have 40 pages of work and 2 years of research devoted to one topic, other than learning how to safely welcome a babies passage onto the earth's floor and make sure her momma is right in tow with her. Both landing to their new passage in love, safety and welcoming new breath. I realize I don't use this page to tell the birth stories of my clients, I don't have the time. I do realize that once in a while I tap in and release what needs to come.

Births have not occurred in my hands since the end days of September and I realize that most of my months has been spent managing my business. Managing my practice. Today, I read a little horoscope that encouraged me to realize that where Green Midwife is standing is safe. There are enough births that I can maneuver without stress and get everything operating as it should on a monthly level. There is a constant trickle of clients and some months of 2010 are even "booked" full and I am turning clients away. But, one major part of sustainable midwifery is that the midwife gets time off-call and time when one is oncall to get out and play, to release, to be who you are and embody that gift. She gets time to connect with that which brings love to her, brings her power, allows those adrenals to block up any leaks and find other ways to enrich her life. Hands down, Midwifery is the most rewarding work I have ever done and the one that has preoccupied me the most. But maybe that is what happens when you do what you love most for your job, it takes part of you for the beginning until you learn to stand, learn to balance and learn to walk. Maybe.

So things that have come up for Green Midwife Community Birth Services since my last scribble:

*A lot of conversation about Cannabis use during pregnancy: offer your research and thoughts here.

*Being privy to some friend's birth in progressive Switzerland, being inspired to seek out a Fulbright scholarship to work in a country where midwifery used by 70 to 72% of the population and embodies collaborative care. Must experience once in my life.

*Maneuvering difficult decisions as a maternity care professional, while still following that intuitive gut.

*Sleep will soon be those cherished moments of catching up.

*Faith, educate, and re-invent.

*New protocols.

And then there is so much else to be excited about. When I close my eyes however on this January 12th, I most remember snow blanketing the earth as my father passed on one year ago and I know he's helping me along these days. Helping in so many unspeakable ways. Holding death and birth in my hands, all in one year remind me of the power of life. I wonder often what it's like to be a mountain and what the spirits of mountains really speak to us. I want to believe it's like midwifery, they tell us when to get off and sometimes they just kick us off...often, they just hold us perfectly and allow us to move in exactly how we need to move. When we've completed what we've sent out to do that day, we soar.

Peace to all and whatever journeys you send yourself on today. That's it.

As Time Passes

Each year, life slows down a bit, roots set in and yet somehow I turn more and more into the energetic mother and father that raised me. Never did I think I would rise and do as much as they did by 8 am, yet now @ the young age of 33 I do exactly as they did. More and more, I think the cajun blood that runs thick in my veins keeps me on track towards a vibrant, rich, youthful, and aging life. Good thing we believe in strong coffee, and just so that you might get a grit or two in your cup. My friends can attest to the powers that be in the cups I brew.

Three months ago I sat in a hospital room and witnessed a beautiful birth experience; and then I went off-call for the rest of summer. Shortly after this birth, I met Dr. Holcomb Johnston and we talked about bringing two small businesses into one and creating a resource in town for preventative and holistic healthcare. The establishment of this professional relationship was exciting. As two people should "court" one another, whether professionally or personally, we did just that and both of our independent businesses grow more with each week. We're at this edge, where summer has passed and we're looking at ways we can collaborate our current studies to enhance the lives and health of Bozeman community members. It doesn't surprise me that we found one another, our degrees of separation are too close. Green Midwife moved down to Main Street in July, which prompted a lot of growth and change in my practice.

As I moved, the phone started ringing. Not off the hook, but it was this acknowledgement to me that midwives have to come out of the basements of office buildings and have to hang a shingle out on a limb and continue to normalize midwifery, whether it's in the hospital or at home. I went from zero to 80 in a week. Holcomb would make comments about how she wanted to be busy, I would tell her to be careful what she wished for because her time would come. Three months later, her schedule fills easily. I picked up a client for September, knowing that August was still a month planned off. A month saved for a dear-hearted wedding and my father's memorial service. They agreed, as we hit it off, and continued care with their provider through September.

August was month to crack me open. I took it on. I drove to the west coast and back to Montana, turned around three days later and drove to Iowa to celebrate with my daddy's closest friends and family, celebrate my momma's birthday and my parent's 40th anniversary. When it comes to parties, the women in our family can cook but organization is not our finest skill. Other's did that for us the weekend of his memorial. One memory: My uncle timid to spread my dad's ashes, his son encouraging him, me telling him I taste my dad's ashes when I spread them (more calcium in my diet doesn't hurt), and my sister holding my daddy's ashes. We all marched to the dock like ducks. Shaky dock (like being on a boogie board), high winds, sunshine, ashes, ducks in a row: Me, Tom, Ty (cousin), Sky, Jennifer, and Elizabeth. Tom spoke to "Rudy Kazootie" (it is what he called my dad) and then we all held our hands into the wind and released. It was one of those cathartic moments one rarely experiences in life. We all ate ashes that day as we threw them, of course the wind turned on us and put them back in our faces. My dad loved to play funny tricks and he loved magic. Embrace. Remembrance.

The rest of the month put me in motion to return to Bozeman. I realized in mid-September that I had finally "come home" and began making my connections with the town. Entering the professional world here in Bozeman, I have had to get through the comments such as, "I don't know if she really has that much experience," "Do you really think she knows what she is doing? It is birth after all." People generally questioning a new practitioner, this is normal. I would hear these comments and they would fire me up. Yet, I know my experience and all the training I went through and getting it into my community needs time. Just like a garden, like a relationship, like a descent: they all need time and room to breathe in order to grow.

With that, September was busy. Lots of commuting back and forth. A new study from Canada came out in August, stating that birth with a registered midwife at home was as safe as a birth with a physician or midwife in the hopsital. The craze of H1N1 vaccine and a rash of released information in the media. This sent all my new mothers spinning with questions and I felt like every week my answer changed. It now comes down to making an informed decision, when we all know at some point in our health care we just want to be told WHAT TO DO. That is not my job, unless it's in birth and it's an urgent action that need to occur. My role as a midwife is to inform and educate, encouraging my clients along the way to make decisions in their healthcare that are right for the individual. Another great thing that happened in September, Missoula, Montana found out that they would have a birth center again. Finally, I expanded my roles and connections with local midwives, as we all go in individual directions. Even with Mercury Retrograde for most of September, which tends to hold us back and consider restructuring what we've already created, my work was done and forward movement began.

As Mercury went direct on 29 September, my client began her journey into laborland. I received calls all day long. My clients live 1.5 hours away, so I was in my own laborland that day. Preparing and doing and waiting and doing. The sound of my pager no longer sends me into heart attack mode. It's a noise that takes me a second to realize where it's coming from and by no means is the sound of a pager meant to be pleasant. 4:45pm @ a trailhead, I got the call to be preparing to head northwest. 6:15 pm, they called and I was on my way. When I arrived at the house, the momma had a beautiful labor pattern and was supported by warm and loving and excited family. She labored quickly. At 00:59 on 09.29.09, little Bannack was birthed into this world on the floor of his family's bathroom. It was refreshing to have a land birth, not a water birth. Going from "Sea to Summit" this night would take a little more encouragement and the toilet was the way. She labored in water, birthed on earth.

For many providers, the place of birth occurs within our comfort zone. I realized with this birth, my comfort zone for birth is inside of me and that this work is right for me. Where the actual birth occurs does not matter to me. I have had lots of great work in life, and no other work feels so right to me. In this work I know when to say "I don't know" and I find a way to learn or know. This work is work that feeds me, yet it's work that I can leave. Sure, it's work that is woven into my cellular structure, and there is so much to be passionate about in life. So much to live for and thrive from and release in and play with and love. And from that birth, I was reconnected with just that aspect of love. For me, living from a place of love makes me walk on this earth with more joy, purpose and flow.

I dreamt of a birth last night, that doesn't happen a lot in my sleep time. It was a friend of mine, we were at home, this baby crowned and came out easily and sweetly into the arms of their parents, and I even remember my purple gloves. Surprises granted and love emanating. Maybe it's because Sara sent me her birth story from her blog, Walk Slowly Live Wildly, and I watched it twice or three times. I don't know, but the dream sits with me this morning as I dive into writing this after a long blog break and also dive into Quickbooks. Maybe a reminder of how lucky I am for this life. Now, back to running a business, making lists, paying bills, entering labs, and doing insurance billing. This dream skirts me out of a weekend of skiing with a girlfriend that made me feel like I was flying, a tour adventure on Saturday with a good man, and then a slow Sunday that ended with a baby shower and teaching Yoga Nidra. Home. Sleep. Dream. Wake. Work. Play. Love.

Those are the months behind me. I can say that I am slow to blog, and hopefully the next few entries will be from others as the intention for this blog was to get contributors and connecting vital and "green" communities. Collaborating our energies to create strong communities. Winter's upon us and I am thrilled.